The Free Movies

Dear Patrons of the Regal Free Family Film Festival:

Having free movies to take your children to during the summer is such a fantastic thing! Of course, for us the "free" movie really just means the "$11 snack time," but I digress. My true meaning for writing is to share with you some suggestions for next summer, since thankfully this one is coming to a close.

1. When forming a line, waiting for the doors at the theater to be unlocked, it might be a good idea to keep your children away from the busy parking lot. It might ruin their movie-going experience to be flattened by one of the gigantic SUVs flying through there. I know it's so terribly difficult to manage those precious little souls (read: out of control demons) while chatting on your cell phone and applying make-up. I guess we all have our priorities though.

2. And speaking of this "line" we're supposed to form while waiting...my daughter's preschool teachers were always fond of reminding the children that "we want a french fry line, not a mashed potato line!" I would be happy with any line that didn't involve strangers knocking my little ones around while trying to make a mad dash to the front of the line, even though there were about 100 people there before you! I'm still confused as to how my kids and I got to the theater a good 5 minutes before anyone else arrived and still I was about the 50th person into the theater??? But, I didn't get much sleep last night and perhaps all that pushing and shoving was just an hallucination. I guess I'll never know.

3. I realize it's a free movie, however, I am of the opinion that the same rules apply. I'm talking to you, the moms (and nannies) who talk on their cell phones throughout the movie while ignoring your screaming baby. While it's fun for the rest of us to miss every other line of the movie due to the blood curding cries of your 8 month old, you may want to take the conversation into the hall. And take the kids along! Your 3 year old isn't a babysitter.

4. Once the herd has been led into the theater itself, be courteous to others. I know that the $6.50 large popcorn purchase allows us free refills. That's why I buy it. Do I think that the kids and I are going to eat all of the popcorn contained in that 10 gallon bucket? No, certainly not. But I do anticipate the terroristic 5 year old boy ever so politely (and intentionally) kicking our popcorn over while shooting his pretend guns at us. What an imagination on that one! What I didn't anticipate was the response from his mother, whose only reply was, "at least it wasn't a drink!" Really? That's all you have to say? (I gave a few seconds of thought to pulling out my own pretend gun on the mother, but I thought better of it and went to refill the popcorn instead.)

5. A message to all the daycares out there...parents pay you to take care of their kids. They pay A LOT for you to take care of their kids! Get up off of some of that cash and PAY to take those kids to a movie! Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy being surrounded by 127 screaming daycare kids who are being "supervised" by 4 (sleeping) teenage chaperones! But I've heard rumblings from others who aren't so open-minded as myself. I worry for you. What will you do with that brood when you return to the parking lot to find the tires on your daycare vans slashed by some renegade mom? The day is coming...

Oh there's so much more I want to say, but I'm just overwhelmed after a summer full of free movies with all of you. All I can say is, thank goodness that next summer is so far away!

~Mom on the Edge