Monday, September 24, 2007

That's How We Roll

Dear lady down the street:

I just wanted to thank you for saving me so much time. I had plans to invite you and your kids over one afternoon to meet a couple of other moms in the neighborhood. Since you're new around here, I thought it would be the neighborly thing to do. Of course these things take some effort and planning. I am a conscientious hostess afterall. I always want things to be just right. I had it all planned in my head. I would invite you and your 4 kids, the 2 moms down the street with kids of similar ages (4 kids between them), and my next door neighbor with her daughter and step daughter. The kids could all play while eating homemade cookies and drinking lemonade. The moms could sip on sweet tea and get to know each other. Time consuming and haggering as it may seem, we do what we have to do. But you saved me from all that trouble.

Things were moving right along with the plans, in my head anyway. This hostess thing is a multi-staged process. It had seemed like fate that we would be great neighborhood friends. It was pretty cool the way we met. When you posted an ad on Freecycle and I replied, who would have thought you lived just 4 houses away from me? Fate! And you have kids about the same age as mine. Fate.

All seemed fine when you stopped by our yard sale. We made a plan to exchange an infant seat I had for some 3T boy's clothes you had. Remember that part? I think your words were, "I have a ton of 3T stuff for boys and it's all cute, Old Navy and Gap...stuff like that..." Seemed like a great deal for us both, with Sam needing some 3T clothes and you needing an infant seat. Again, fate. But alas, sometimes fate can be so cruel.

Pearson headed down to your house at 2:30, as you requested, and exchanged one for the other. When he arrived home and handed me the large bag he had retrieved from your house, I was so excited to see what kind of wonderful "big boy" clothes were waiting in there for my little guy! Imagine my surprise when I actually pulled them out...BIG BOY INDEED!

I suppose I should give you the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you like to dress your son like a miniature Kevin Federline, in baggy pants and an oversized shirt. Maybe you thought you were doing something nice when you gave me these things. Then again, if that were the case, maybe you wouldn't be completely ignoring my e-mails and phone calls. I hope you enjoy the infant seat. I also hope dressing like a teeny thug doesn't violate the dress code at Sam's preschool. And how do I accessorize? I'm so not up on my hip hop culture...

Anyway, thanks for saving me some time. Being friendly with your neighbors is so overrated. I don't know what I was thinking. It's so much more fun to be involved in a neighborhood feud. Look out Hatfields and's on!

~Mom on the Edge
*a note to the readers: Those shorts are a size 8 and the shirt is a 10/12. These seem to fit the best.

Friday, September 21, 2007

The blog goes international

Dear loyal readers:

My blog has been visited by friends, family, and interested parties from around the United States since I started it. But the blog is now officially an international sensation! Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration. But, according to my trusty sitemeter, we have now been visited by inhabitants of both Malaysia and Norway! How 'bout that? Word is spreading! :)

So, to my new cyber-friends in Norway: Hvordan har du det?
And in Malaysia: Apa khabar?

Don't you have a pick-up service or something?

Dear public library:

I know, I know...our books are late, all 17 of them. I have no idea what kind of astronomical fees I've incurred, but maybe you could take a page from the Blockbuster playbook. NO LATE FEES! We could take it a step further and you could just mail me 3 books at a time. I can return them at my leisure (what a funny concept that is...leisure). I'm guessing you're not going to be very interested in that sort of give and take.

If only you understood what a day in my life was like maybe you would see that such deadlines are pretty unattainable. You think I can find time TWICE in one month to make it to the library? I barely have time to shower and shave my legs twice in a month!!!

Can't we find some sort of a compromise?

~Mom on the Edge

Shameless Pandering

Dear friends, family & random strangers who have stumbled upon my blog:

It's Fall Fundraiser time! And my goodness are things a lot more advanced than when I was a kid. Thanks to the internet, my little girl can cyber-sell these wonderful products to friends and family, far and wide.

Please take a moment to look at the site, and if you're so inclined...BUY BUY BUY! :) You can help Alex win a really cool prize. Every little sale helps. Thanks....

From the standard e-mail the company sent us:

Alexandra is currently doing an online fundraiser for her school... and you can help!

1. Go to before 10/19/2007
2. Shop from their great selection of personalized items, chocolates, and more!
3. Enter 120792 under Option 1 after selecting an item.

By entering number 120792, you'll credit Alexandra and her school with a large percentage of your purchase price.

Alexandra thanks you for all your help!

~Mom on the Edge

Week 3 and looking good!

Dear Redskins:

Wow 2-0 going into week 3...who would've guessed it?

You guys did a much better job of catching the ball in week 2. But you'll have to do even better this week. The Giants defense is weak. Get the ball to Moss and he'll be unstoppable. You will NEED touchdowns, not just field goals to beat NY. While the defense is lacking (big time!), their offense is solid. You're going to have to outscore them, not just try to stop them.

And just a note....the last time you guys played the Giants you got 10 penalties for 100 yards! Not cool. Don't let it happen again or you will lose...again!

Until Sunday...

~Mom on the Edge

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Holy Mucopurulent Discharge, Batman!

Dear allergy season:

As if it weren't bad enough that Alex constantly coughs like an 80 year old 3-pack-a-day smoker, she now has a faucet for a nose as well. She coughs all night long. She coughs all day at school. I'm waiting for a note to come home soon asking me for proof the child doesn't have TB.

And Sam...poor little Sam. His nose is stuck on the "stream" setting. The snot doesn't even drip down his face like most kids. It actually leaps from his nostrils and takes aim at unsuspecting passersby. We get some very strange looks from people as I try to explain that my son didn't spit at them, his nose just has a mind of its own. On top of this annoying, leaky nose Sam also gets little red bumps on different areas of his body when they come into contact with certain allergens (grass, most trees...air!) so the kid is constantly scratching at himself like a junkie in need of a fix. But the best part came today when he got up from rest time with a face full of a remarkably thick, yellow discharge. At first I thought he had sneezed all over himself. Ha, I should be so lucky! I scooped him up and off to the doctor we went. Turns out he has not only pink eye, but also an ear infection. Beautiful. We've missed having antibiotics around the house. It's been so long. So begins the fall allergy season...and, I'm sure, an endless parade of antibiotics in our household.

You would think that we could keep you at bay between the allergy shots (twice a week), the prescription nasal spray (once a day), the Pulmicort Flexhaler (twice a day), the Albuterol inhaler (as needed), and the nebulizer treatments (as needed); that the kids would be impenetrable...but you're a persistent little booger (no pun intended).

It's not even fall yet and I'm already counting the days until winter. Is it time for the first frost yet?

~Mom on the Edge

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I have a dream...

Dear little blonde girl in Alex's class:

I wonder if your parents have raised you to believe the things you say or if you're just beginning to innocently notice differences in people's appearances. I certainly hope it's the latter. If it is a matter of upbringing, I hope you will find the strength and wisdom to rise above your parents' prejudices and see all people for who they truly are, not just for the color of their skin.

A great man once said, "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today."

When Alex came home from school the other night and told me that the girls in the class had created a "club" for themselves, I smiled and told her how I remembered those days. My friends and I made up our own clubs often at that age. As I was lost in the Land of Nostalgia, Alex suddenly snapped me abruptly back to reality when she said, but "L" and "M" aren't allowed to be in it. I immediately asked her why. She told me that you had said they weren't allowed in the club because they had brown skin and it was different and gross. My heart just broke for those two little girls...and for my own daughter, who has never expressed any prejudice against another.

I asked Alex if she thought their skin was different and gross. She told me she thought it was different, but not gross. I reminded her that people shouldn't be judged based on how they look. She replied, "I know but "A" said that they couldn't be and I can't make her." I told her that she was right...she can't make you believe that. But that she can lead by example. I asked her if she really wanted to be in a club that treated other people badly. She said she didn't want to be mean to anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, but didn't know what she could do.

I told Alex that I would like for her to go to school the next day and play with "L" and "M" and come home and tell me something that she liked about each of them. I'm proud to report that Alex did play with those little girls yesterday and told me all about it. She said that "L" is really nice and very shy, so they didn't play much. But she likes her and wants to play with her again. She had a great time playing with "M" yesterday. They pretended to work in a candy factory making all sorts of yummy treats. She's very excited to play with "M" again today. Please don't ruin that for her.

Alex told me that if you ever again tell her that someone should excluded from a group based on their appearance that she would tell you, "that's not nice and I don't play that way." I hope she has the strength to follow through. I believe she does.

I hope Alex helps to open your eyes to how wonderful diversity is. Her father and I made a point of sending her to a preschool that was very culturally diverse. We wanted her to learn from an early age that it's ok that not everyone looks, dresses, or talks the same. Not everyone has the same beliefs. Not everyone has the same abilities. These are important lessons. I hope one day someone takes the time to teach them to you. Maybe it will be my little girl.
~Mom on the Edge

Monday, September 17, 2007

Hi Jack, I'm Annette. You're doing it wrong. (South to drop off, moron!)

Dear dads at my daughter's school:

I really hate to generalize, and I'm sure you're wonderful fathers. But I'm also sure you're NOT wonderful carpoolers! When dropping off your kids in the drop off circle at the school, you may have noticed there is a line of cars (with moms driving them) waiting patiently for their turn in the circle. You've probably noticed several of us waving at you (well, maybe "waving" isn't the right word, so much as gesturing?) as you fly past our block-long line of mini vans and station wagons, and jump in front of whoever's supposed to enter the circle next. I'm sure whatever you have planned for your morning is infinitely more important than the plans of the rest of us. And I'm sure your child is just that much more special than the rest of our kids. But I'm giving you fair warning right now that one of these days some frazzled mom who's lacking in patience and sleep is going to jump out of her vehicle and go totally road rage on your ass. I'm just saying...
~Mom on the Edge

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Safety scissors...not so safe for hair

Dear Fiskars:

I would like to lodge a complaint. A pair of your safety scissors snuck into my daughter's bedroom today and viciously attacked her beautiful hair! I should press charges, but my daughter has remained tight-lipped about the scissor's involvement. As is the case in many abusive relationships, she seems to be blaming anyone and everyone else.

"No, it wasn't the scissors. Please don't take them away. It was this piece of plastic that was under my bed."

"It wasn't the scissors, really! It was a DVD that cut my hair."

"I promise it wasn't the scissors, I ripped my own hair out."

It sounds all too familiar. The victim blames themselves and those around her, but never the true abuser. I know it was the scissors. I found them, hiding under the bed...still holding clumps of my daughter's hair. Be glad she's not talking...
~Mom on the Edge

Saturday, September 15, 2007

From Buffett to Blondie

Dear Friends and family:

The phone's back! :) So, as Debbie Harry says...

Call me on the line
Call me
Call me any anytime
Call me my love
You can call me any day or night
Call me

But please don't. I really HATE the phone. So, just e-mail anytime. Thanks.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Flyguy's doppleganger?

Dear Richmonders:

Have you seen I'm Gonna Git You Sucka? If not, where the hell were you in 1988? Anyway, I'm so excited to report that Flyguy has moved into our fair city. I was driving down 7th St. near the Coliseum the other day when suddenly, from around a corner appeared this larger than life character. All that was missing were the platform fishbowl shoes. He was spectacular! I've never seen anything like him in person. I wanted to talk to least take his picture, but he was pretty intimidating. I was waiting for him to start reciting "My Bitch Better Have My Money" when the light turned green and the driver behind me (who amazingly wasn't entranced by the superfly pimptastic creature in our presence) started honking at me and I had to move on. Oh well. And now, just for dramatic effect, I present to you...

My Bitch Better Have My Money
by Flyguy

My bitch better have my money
Through rain, sleet, or snow
My whore better have my money
Not half, not some, but ALL my cash '
Cause if she don't,
I'm gonna put my foot in her ass.

Have It Your Way

And speaking of the Redskins...

Dear Jason, the Burger King cashier:

Thank you so much for making my son the happiest kid in town. When we ordered his kid's meal with a new BK mini NFL jersey included as a prize, my 3 year old son (a HUGE Redskins fan) naturally assumed he would be getting a Redskins mini jersey. Imagine his disappointment when he pulled out a Carolina Panthers mini jersey instead. He was devastated. But when he turned to you and asked if you had a Redskins jersey instead, my heart nearly broke. This being a Redskins town, I thought the odds of that were pretty slim. But you, Jason, came through for my son. You told him, "hang tight for a minute, little man." Then you left the restaurant, leaving Sam completely confused. When you reappeared carrying the mini jersey that you had secured for yourself and handed it over to Sam, he nearly burst with excitement and squealed, "it's the Redskins, Mom! I told you I can have the Redskins!"

He may not know how wonderful a thing you did, Jason. But I do. I hope you get a replacement mini jersey from one of those boxes. And even if you don't, remember you're one little guy's hero. Thanks.

~Mom on the Edge

All My Rowdy Friends...

Dear Redskins:

Congratulations on your (very lucky) win last week! I'll take the win, even if it's not pretty. But, right to the point...I said I would give a tip each week. Last week I suggested that Campbell show off his ability to pass a little more often. It seems maybe you listened to me, at least a bit. Nice arm, Jason! But that leads me to this week's suggestion. As we head into week 2 let's try actually CATCHING some of those passes??? That would make the game a lot more fun for us all. Philadelphia may not appreciate it. But I'm not here for them. Catch the damn ball. That's it. Sounds simple, right? Well, you didn't make it look very simple last week! See you boys Monday night.

~Football fan on the Edge

If the phone doesn't ring, you'll know that it's me...

Dear Jimmy Buffett:

When you wrote that line, had your husband also buried the phone bill under a pile of crap at his office and forgotten to pay it...leaving you with no phone service? Oh wait, you never had a husband. That must just be a problem I have. Sorry to bother you!

~Mom on the Edge

p.s. to any friends or family members who have tried to call me, only to get that sweet message from Cavalier Telephone...the phone should be back on tomorrow. They say it takes 24 hours. Why is that? Whatever. Call the cell.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Deep Fried...WTF?

Dear State Fair Officials (Freaks):

I have seen some crazy things at the State Fair over the years. Some actually turned out to be pretty good. I am a slave to the deep fried snickers. I do like the deep fried oreos, although it still seems an awfully strange concept. Funnel cakes are one of the most perfect foods in the world especially when covered with chocolate syrup and powdered sugar. But really, you've reached new levels this year. I would love to meet the individual that created this new sensation. I have no desire to try it, but I feel certain there are many Virginians out there salivating at the thought. But, DEEP FRIED PEPSI? Why? That's all I want to know...WHY???

And what happened to the deep fried snickers anyway? Bring them back!

~Mom on the Edge

Friday, September 7, 2007


Dear Redskins:

As always, I have high hopes for the upcoming season. You guys looked pretty good in the preseason. And I have to say I am actually starting to believe we may have a winning season. Last season was bad. It was hard to watch, honestly. But I still have the 2005-2006 season in the back of my mind, reminding me that the 'Skins CAN play football. So, do it! Allow me to help with a suggestion. Granted, I've never actually played a game of football...but I have watched many a game fall completely apart! I will add a new tip weekly, so pay attention people...I'm talking to you this week, Al Saunders!

This Week's Tip...THROW THE BALL! I know we have some great rushers. And a good running play, at the right time, can be of great benefit. But we finally have a QB with an arm! The kid can throw! Let him do it. Maybe then we could actually put a couple of touchdowns on the board instead of field goal after field goal. Just an idea.

And now my prediction for this season. The Redskins will have a winning season. I'm going to say... we're looking at a 9-7 season....but I'm hoping for even better!

Go get 'em!

~Redskins fan on the edge

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

First day

Dear daughter:

You're at school right now, your very first day of kindergarten. This morning was chaos, no big surprise. We are not morning people around here. When your brand new hot pink alarm clock went off for the very first time this morning, you tried to ignore much like your dad. When I came in to turn it off, you rolled over and said, "That thing is way too loud. It woke me up!" :) We decided to lay around in my bed for a couple of minutes while Daddy was in the shower, but it was short-lived as we had so much to do this morning.

I started making breakfast---your favorite, bacon and toast---while you got dressed and brushed your hair. I decided to surprise you with a cute toast creation that I had heard would wow any kid. Apparently you are not just any kid....thanks a lot, Rachel Ray! You were totally unimpressed and asked me why in the world I would write on your toast. At least your little brother thought it was cool.

Realizing you had to be at school in ten minutes and no one was dressed besides you, we began the mad dash around the house to correct the situation. We gathered your school supplies, your "I love Jack" Pirates of the Caribbean messenger bag (so chic), and your pink camouflage lunch bag and headed out the door. I was feeling a little nervous for you, wondering if the kids in your class would be nice, whether they would take to your outgoing personality immediately or if they would shy away. I just wanted your first day to be great!

We arrived at the school a few minutes before the first bell. There were parents and kids everywhere. You were walking kind of slowly and I wondered if you were getting nervous or if you were just still unhappy about having to see the world before 8am. My stomach started to knot up a bit, hoping you weren't scared to start this new journey. You eased my fears pretty quickly though...

I opened the door and you strolled right in, without looking back even to say goodbye. You entered your new school life to a chorus of little girls squealing, "Alex! Come sit with me!!!" They love you. I knew they would. :)


Monday, September 3, 2007

And she's off...

Dear daughter:

Well, as unbelievable as it is, you start kindergarten tomorrow! You're so ready and I'm not worried about you at all. I know you'll do great. You're super smart: you can read, tie your shoes, tell time (a little bit), spell, you draw the most wonderful pictures, you're so creative and clever. Beyond all of those things, you're strong, honest and bold. You speak your mind and you don't let anything get in your way. I love that about you, even though it often makes my life a bit harder. ;) You're going to be just fine. I can't wait to see the girl you'll become as you meet new people and learn new things over the next several years in school. I hope you stay as strong as you are now and always hold onto who you are. Never change to suit anyone else. Most of all, I hope you're lucky enough to find friends as wonderful as the ones your dad and I found. I know you will. Who wouldn't be drawn to that personality? Good luck tomorrow, baby. I love you and can't wait to hear all about your first day!!!